


A Shot in the Dick

by zuotian



Series: Kenman Week 2018 [6]
Category: South Park
Genre: Crossdressing, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Lack of Communication, M/M, Tampons, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 06:36:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17319842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuotian/pseuds/zuotian
Summary: When Kenny doesn't show up for their weekly video game night, Cartman assumes the worst and invents a grand scheme that ends up with him losing a testicle.





	A Shot in the Dick

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FANFICTION—EVEN THOSE BASED ON A REAL SHOW—ARE ENTIRELY GRATUITOUS. ALL CANONICAL DIALOGUE IS IMPERSONATED ... POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
> 
> [Warning: semi graphic description of putting a tampon up the butt]

Cartman checked the time again. It was nearing six o’ clock, and Kenny was late; he came over at five to play video games once a week. Cartman picked a good one this time, a vintage - Tiger Woods PGA Tour on the Xbox 360. Kenny always picked Tiger’s ex-wife because he thought blond chicks were sexy. Cartman couldn’t just play without somebody to be his ex-wife, or else he’d have to use the boring normal mode, which was as pointless as watching real golf. And nobody was as good at being a jilted blond as Kenny, not even Stan.

 

But Kenny didn’t have a phone, so Cartman couldn’t text him and ask where the hell he was. He wasn’t about to ask Stan or Kyle - if Cartman didn’t know, they for sure wouldn’t know either. He’d just have to wait until school tomorrow to figure out what was going on. 

 

The next morning, Cartman got to the bus stop before any of the other guys. He kicked a rock around and mumbled curses against Kenny under his breath. 

 

“Fucking poor piece of shit,” Cartman muttered. 

 

“What’s your problem?” Stan asked, arriving at the bus stop. 

 

“Do you know what Kenny’s been up to?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Stan said. “Why?” 

 

Kyle came up and joined them. “Hey, Stan. Hey, fatass.” He frowned at Stan. “What’s Cartman’s problem?” 

 

“Something about Kenny,” Stan guessed. 

 

“Is Kenny okay?” Kyle asked. 

 

“What about me?” Cartman asked. “ _ I’m _ not okay! He flaked on me last night.” 

 

Kyle shrugged. “Maybe he just got busy.” 

 

“Doing what? He doesn’t have anything to do at  _ his _ house.” 

 

“He does have a point,” Stan said. 

 

“No he doesn’t,” Kyle said. “I’m sure Kenny has loads to do that doesn’t involve you, Cartman.”

 

Cartman rolled his eyes. “You’re just making that up.” 

 

“Kenny has interests and hobbies like anybody else!”

 

“Sure he does,” Stan said. “Like boobs. He was probably just jerking off or something.” 

 

“He can jerk off whenever he wants,” Cartman said. “But we  _ always _ meet up and play video games. It’s basically the highlight of his miserable life.” 

 

Kyle glanced at his phone. “Wait - where  _ is _ Kenny? The bus is almost gonna be here.” 

 

“He’s probably skipping again,” Stan said. 

 

“He can’t,” Kyle said. “Remember he got in trouble with his truancy officer last month?” 

 

“Oh yeah.” 

 

“Do you think he’s in jail?” Cartman asked. 

 

“A truancy officer isn’t the police, dumbass,” Kyle said. 

 

“Don’t call me a dumbass.” Cartman kicked the rock he’d been bouncing around into the air so it hit Kyle’s balls. 

 

“Ow!” Kyle cupped his crotch and stumbled backward. “You motherfucker!” 

 

“Bus is here,” Stan announced as the yellow vehicle bumbled around the corner. 

 

They were the big dicks in school this year, at the very top of the food chain in the eighth grade classroom. Each of the four boys found their niche as they advanced in age, but miraculously stuck together like tongues to a frozen flagpole, or addiction to a meth user. Stan was playing hockey again and volunteered at the animal shelter; Kyle won spelling bees and practiced pretend congress with Wendy Testaburger after school; Cartman wrote thinly veiled hate speech for the student newsletter and peddled schemes against the lower grades; and Kenny just continued to exist in that ambivalent, ephemeral way of his. 

 

Despite all this they still upheld the integrity of their four-way friendship. It had been a nexus not just for themselves but for the whole town, and nobody would know what to do without it. As they neared closer to high school, however - the great adolescent tipping point - something would have to give. Cartman worried Kenny was now the first to fall, jeopardizing their natural order. 

 

Cartman leaned his forehead against the rattling bus window, ignoring Butters beside him to ruminate in his thoughts. Leave it to Kenny, the poorest of them, to jump ship and back out of a lifelong commitment. It was the same as denying child support, or leaving your family for a pack of smokes and never returning - something only poor people do, and the only thing poor people do well. 

 

They pulled up in front of the school and filed off the bus. Cartman walked a few paces behind as Stan talked about a three legged dog and Kyle went over the fake bill he was trying to pass in his fake congress. Butters stayed back with Cartman and tried telling him about the Milan trip he went on with Paris Hilton. Cartman didn’t listen to any of it, because none of it involved him. He only cared about things he was a part of - like playing video games with Kenny, except Kenny was being a bitch, so Cartman had nothing to live for anymore. 

 

“I think I’m going to kill myself,” Cartman thought aloud. 

 

“What?” Butters grabbed Cartman’s arm, forcing him to stop in front of the school’s main doors. “What do you mean, Eric? You can’t do that!” 

 

“Get your hands off me.” Cartman tore his arm out of Butters’ grip and entered the school building. “I’m telling you, if I don’t figure out where the hell Kenny is I’m killing myself.” 

 

Butters jogged after him. “Well, I’ll help ya, if that’s the case! Don’t you think you’re being kinda dramatic though?” 

 

“You wouldn’t understand,” Cartman said. “I have actual friends, and you don’t, Butters.” 

 

Ahead of them, Kyle stopped mid-sentence in his congressional tirade to turn away from Stan. “Nobody is your friend, Cartman,” he said. 

 

“How can you talk and listen to somebody else’s conversation at the same time?” Cartman asked. “Is that a Sith Jew power?” 

 

“I’m Eric’s friend,” Butters said. 

 

“No, Butters, you’re his slave,” Kyle corrected. “There’s a difference.” 

 

“Kenny’s my friend,” Cartman said. “Or  _ was _ .” 

 

“Dude, Kenny can do whatever he wants,” Stan argued. He tugged at Kyle’s shoulder. “Let’s just drop it. We’re gonna be late for class.” 

 

“Fuck class,” Cartman exclaimed, “my life is on the line! If I don’t find out where the hell Kenny was last night, I’m committing suicide.” 

 

“I hope you don’t find him then,” Kyle said. “The world is already stupid enough. We can afford to lose another dumbass.” He turned back to Stan. “Let’s go.” 

 

“Stop calling me a dumbass, Kyle,” Cartman called as they walked away. “I’ll rip off your entire scrotum next time!” 

 

“Uh, Eric…,” Butters warned, “people are  _ staring _ …” 

 

“Fine,” Cartman huffed. “Follow me.” 

 

Cartman lead Butters down a series of hallways to the girls’ restroom. 

 

“Oh, jeeze, what’re we doin here?” Butters asked. 

 

“You’re going in,” Cartman explained. “Wendy follows everybody in school across all social media accounts. We need to recruit Call Girl.” 

 

“We’re not even playing superheroes right now!” 

 

“So? Do you give up your lair when you aren’t in uniform? Do I ever stop being a total badass even when I’m not the Coon?” 

 

“But I can’t go into the girl bathroom,” Butters protested. “I’m a  _ boy _ , Cartman! You’ve seen my weiner!” 

 

Cartman punched Butters in the shoulder. “Shut up! Don’t say that so loud!” He glanced around for eavesdroppers, then stepped closer so Butters was pressed up against the wall. “I thought you wanted to help me! This is life or death, dude!” 

 

“Oh, curse my empathetic nature and charitable ways,” Butters moaned. “Fine, I’ll do it!” 

 

“Good.” 

 

Butters took a deep breath, summoning courage and resolution. With a determined face, he swung the bathroom door open and stepped inside. 

 

Cartman heard several girlish shrieks. 

 

“What are you doing?!” Wendy demanded.

 

“I need to talk to ya, Wendy - it’s important!” 

 

“Get out of here, sicko!” Bebe said. 

 

“What the fuck, Butters?!” Nicole asked. 

 

“At least dress up like Marjorine again if you’re gonna barge in here,” Red said. 

 

Butters spoke over the girls’ protests. “But I just - hey! Oh, please don’t - oof!” 

 

The door burst open. Butters was thrown out of the bathroom and landed on the opposite side of the corridor. 

 

Cartman ran toward him. “Did they say anything?!” 

 

Butters whimpered on the floor, sporting a new black eye and bloody nose. “They didn’t want to talk…” 

 

“Damn it!” Cartman clenched his fists. “Looks like I’ll have to do this myself…” 

 

“Where are you going?” Butters asked as he ran away; Cartman didn’t reply. 

 

The first bell rang. The hallways emptied as all the kids went into their respective classrooms. Cartman scurried hurriedly, sticking close to the lockers and peeking around corners for ginger hall monitors before moving on. He finally made it to his destination - the theater closet next to drama class. He retrieved an extra lockpick of Kenny’s, given to him as a birthday present, from his backpack and snuck inside. 

 

He spent the whole class period getting ready. When the second bell rang, he stepped outside as the new girl in school, wearing a red dress and blonde wig done up in a ponytail with a giant bow, his face smeared with stage makeup. The dress was too small and his fat strained against the buttons, creating the illusion of massive boobs. 

 

Cartman maneuvered through the school in what he presumed to be a dainty, sexy model walk, toward the upstairs bathroom where he knew the girls congregated during second passing period. He passed the boys at their lockers on the way to the stairs. 

 

Clyde stopped talking to Craig and stared at him dreamily. “Who’s the new girl?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Craig said, “but she’s pretty ugly.” 

 

Cartman turned. “You’re a fag, Craig - you think all girls are ugly! Your opinion doesn’t count. Wait, I meant,” - he raised his voice a few octaves - “I’m, uh…” He glanced around the hallway for some sort of inspiration, and landed on some fourth grade girl’s Jojo Siwa backpack. “I’m Jojo!”

 

“Cool,” Clyde said. He affected a relaxed, douchebag posture. “I’m Clyde. I like your boobs.” 

 

Cartman giggled. “Thanks! Um, do you know where the ladies’ room is? I gotta - put my tampon on.” 

 

“You’re on the rag? Sure, there’s one upstairs. Want me to walk you?” 

 

“That’s fine! I like to play hard to get,” Cartman said, and fled the scene. 

 

“She’s so mysterious,” Clyde told Craig behind him. 

 

“I guess,” Craig said. “I’m just glad I’m gay...” 

 

Before Cartman reached the stairs he was apprehended at the water drinking fountain by a familiar Jew.

 

“Oh shit,” he muttered. 

 

Kyle walked up and crossed his arms. “What are you doing?” he asked flatly. 

 

“I don’t know what you mean,” Cartman said, returning to his high-pitched falsetto. “I’m just looking for a bathroom, to put on my tampon.” 

 

“You don’t put tampons  _ on _ ,” Kyle said. “You don’t know anything about girls, do you?” 

 

Cartman dragged Kyle to an alcove and whisper-yelled at him. “Don’t fuck up my plan!” 

 

“I thought you already did this once,” Kyle said. “You can’t pull the transgender card again.” 

 

“Obviously. I’m not stupid.” 

 

“Sure you aren’t,” Kyle acquiesced. 

 

“Have you seen Kenny yet?” Cartman asked. 

 

“Yeah, he was in class,” Kyle said. “You would’ve known if you were there. I saw Butters go to the nurse - what did you make him do?” 

 

“Forget about Butters. Kenny was in class? How did he get here if he didn’t ride the bus?” 

 

“I don’t know,” Kyle said. “He wasn’t talking to us. He barely paid attention at all. He kept writing stuff in his notebook. I don’t know what.” 

 

“Well, where is he now?” 

 

Kyle shrugged. “He left just as the bell rang. I don’t know which way he went.”

 

“So I’ll have to keep my plan…,” Cartman said. 

 

“ _ What _ are you planning?” 

 

“I’m not telling you or you’ll ruin it.” 

 

“Just don’t get anybody else hurt. I have to go to study hall and work on my bill proposal.” 

 

Kyle left him alone, and Cartman was finally able to go upstairs and reach the bathroom without any more interruptions. He paused before the door, straightened his dress and wig, and entered. 

 

The girls were chatting at the sinks, but fell silent at his arrival and stared at him accusingly. 

 

“What’s up, my bitches?” Cartman greeted. “This is my first day here. Anybody got a tampon?” 

 

Bebe looked at the other girls, smirked, and pushed off the sink. “Sure.” She reached into her purse and pulled one out. “Here you go.” 

 

Cartman took it. “Thanks!” 

 

Bebe raised her eyebrows. “Aren’t you gonna put it in?” 

 

“Oh - right,” Cartman said. “Silly me.” 

 

He went into a stall, shut the door, and sat on the toilet. 

 

“Okay,” he said, “I’m putting it in now…” 

 

He lifted his dress up, and found himself in a conundrum. He couldn’t drop his boxers, or his cover would be blown. He wiggled forward on the toilet seat until he could push his boxers down enough to reach his butthole. This took a lot of grunting. 

 

“You okay in there?” Bebe asked. 

 

“Um - I have a really big vagina, that’s all.” 

 

“Do you need a heavy flow one?” 

 

“No,” Cartman huffed, pushing the applicator against his anus. “My flow is pretty light right now, thanks.” 

 

He pushed against the applicator and groaned as the tampon breached his rectal cavity. 

 

“Are you  _ sure _ you’re okay?” 

 

“Yes,” he shouted, then cleared his throat. “Yes, I’m fine. I just haven’t broken my hymen yet, so I really gotta work it - in - there.” 

 

“Right,” Bebe said. 

 

Finally, the tampon was all the way in. Cartman panted for a few seconds before sliding off the toilet and pulling his dress down. 

 

He left the stall and stiffly walked toward the sinks to wash his hands. 

 

“So where did you move from?” Bebe asked. 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“Where did you live before South Park?” 

 

“Oh - “ Cartman racked his brain and said the first city he thought of the most. “San Francisco.” 

 

“Really?” Nicole asked from his other side. “That’s cool.” 

 

“I hated it there,” Cartman said. “It’s all a bunch of hippies and fags and Asians.” He paused. “I mean - the Golden Gate Bridge is so cool, right?” 

 

“Yeah, sure,” Nicole said. 

 

“What’s your name?” Bebe asked. 

 

“Jojo,” Cartman said, squeezing his buttcheeks around the tampon. 

 

“Like Jojo Siwa?” 

 

“Um, yeah. But I’m way cooler.” 

 

“You guys have the same hair,” Red mentioned. 

 

“Oh, I did it first. She just copied me.” Cartman shut the water off and looked around the restroom. “Hey - where’s Testaburger?” 

 

“You mean Wendy?” Bebe said. “She’s with Kyle. They’re in mock government club together.” 

 

“Are you serious?” Cartman asked. He put a tampon on for nothing! 

 

Bebe frowned. “Why do you need to know?” 

 

“Just - I thought I could ask her for a tampon for later, you know. I don’t wanna steal all yours.” 

 

“You said your flow is light,” Nicole reminded. 

 

“I like to switch em out anyway,” Cartman said, “because...because I have a yeast infection.” 

 

“Yikes,” Bebe said. “Been there. You should get Vagisil.” 

 

“Oh, God.” Cartman swallowed bile - he about puked at any mention of the word. “I’ve ate enough of that stuff for a lifetime.” 

 

“You  _ eat _ Vagisil?” Nicole asked. 

 

Shit - he was losing it. “I’d better go find her,” he said. “Thanks anyway.” 

 

He ran out of the bathroom and realized he’d have to talk to Kyle again, so he walked to study hall and moseyed into the room just as the bell rang once more, signaling the end of passing period. 

 

Kyle was sitting in the back with Wendy. They’d pushed two desks together and were both bent over their bill proposal. 

 

Cartman grabbed another desk and shoved it next to theirs. 

 

Kyle lifted his head and immediately scowled. “Oh, for fuck’s sake - “ 

 

Cartman sat down. “Wendy,” he said. 

 

She looked at him bemusedly. “What are you wearing?” 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “My name is Jojo, and - “

 

“Kyle told me all about it,” she interrupted. “Plus Bebe just texted me. She said you asked for a tampon.” 

 

Kyle snorted. “Where’d you put it?” 

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Cartman said. “Wendy, I need your help.” 

 

“I’m not getting involved in whatever disaster  _ that _ is,” she said, gesturing to his outfit. 

 

He ignored her. “I need you to do a cross-examination of the student body’s social media. I think we can pinpoint Kenny’s  _ whereabouts _ . He’s up to something, and I need to figure out what.” 

 

Wendy flipped a piece of paper over and handed it to Kyle. “This is the part on tax reform. I think it needs some fine-tuning, and you’re better at economics.” 

 

“Okay,” he said, “but you’ll have to sell the sociopolitical ramifications to the Democrats. They’re a bunch of hardasses.” 

 

“Are you listening to me?” Cartman asked. “This is serious!” 

 

“Well,” Wendy said, “I’m sure the Republicans wouldn’t mind it so much.” 

 

“Yeah, but they won’t like the rebracketing,” Kyle told her. 

 

Cartman slammed his hand on the desk. “Hey!” 

 

Wendy turned to him. “Cartman, Kyle and I are non-affiliated independent Libertarians. Whatever you need to do, do it yourself, because you won’t be getting any governmental intervention from  _ us _ .” 

 

“This isn’t about the fucking  _ law _ ! This is about Kenny, and how he bailed on me last night.” 

 

“He’s busy,” Wendy said, “he got a new girlfriend.” 

 

Cartman’s jaw dropped. “What?” 

 

“I didn’t know that,” Kyle said. 

 

“All the girls are talking about it.” She set her pencil down and tucked her hair behind her ear, then pulled out her phone. “I guess I shouldn’t have said  _ new _ girlfriend. He’s actually dating Tammy again, look - “ She held her phone out for Cartman to see. “She posted this yesterday on the library computers.” 

 

Cartman examined the screen. “In a relationship with Kenny McCormick?!” 

 

The screech of a chair sounded across the room. The three of them turned to find Clyde standing beside them. 

 

“Hey, Jojo,” he said. “You’re worried about Kenny? He isn’t worth your time. You should go out with me instead.” 

 

“Fuck off, Clyde,” Cartman yelled. He removed his wig. “Want my tits  _ now _ , you weirdo?” 

 

“Aw, gross, dude - “ 

 

Mr. Garrison, who sat in on second period study hall, got up from his desk and walked over. “What the hell is going on here? Kyle and Wendy, I said only you two could work together.” 

 

“We  _ were _ ,” Wendy insisted, “until Cartman and Clyde showed up.” 

 

“I’m leaving,” Clyde said, and went back to his own desk. 

 

Garrion looked at Cartman. “Eric, you aren’t even in this study hall. And while I appreciate the gumption, please keep your transvestism to yourself like everybody else.” 

 

“I’m not a transvestite!” 

 

“You kind of are,” Kyle snickered. 

 

“Well, it’s better than being a Jew!” 

 

“You need to get out of here,” Garrison said, “or I’ll call the principal.” 

 

“And what?” Cartman asked. “Report your microaggression against my gender presentation?” 

 

“Aw, fuck it,” Garrison said. “Just be quiet.” He went back to his desk and resumed flicking through his  _ People  _ magazine. 

 

Wendy sighed and scrolled through her phone. “I’m only telling you this so you’ll leave us alone,” she said, “but Tammy just updated her Instagram. It’s a picture of her and Kenny at the lake shooting BB guns. Looks like they ditched school.” 

 

“His truancy officer is gonna kill him,” Kyle said. 

 

“ _ I’m _ gonna kill him,” Cartman said. “Do you have Tammy’s number?”

 

“I shouldn’t give it to you,” Wendy said. 

 

“Just do it so he can get out of here,” Kyle told her.

 

“ _ Fine _ .” 

 

Cartman put it in his phone, got up from his desk, and stormed out of the room. He left the school building still wearing his stolen theater dress, the wig stuffed into his backpack. He called Tammy as he walked down the sidewalk toward the general direction of Stark’s Pond. 

 

“Who is this?” she answered gruffly. 

 

“I’m your worst nightmare, slut,” Cartman said. 

 

“What? Who the fuck are you?” 

 

“You’re trying to steal my man, Tammy.” 

 

“You mean  _ Kenny _ ?” 

 

“Yes! We were supposed to play Tiger Woods’ PGA Tour last night but he was too busy sucking your face - “ 

 

“Wait a second - I don’t know - “ Tammy’s voice drifted away from the receiver. “It’s one of your friends, or something!” 

 

There was some rustling on the other line. 

 

“Is this Cartman?” Kenny asked. 

 

“Hello, asshole,” Cartman said. The sidewalk broke up into gravel as he entered the forest trail. 

 

“Why are you calling my girlfriend?” Kenny demanded. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you  _ had _ a girlfriend?” 

 

“It’s still new,” Kenny said. “I didn’t tell anybody.” 

 

“Wendy knew!” 

 

“I didn’t say  _ Tammy _ didn’t tell anybody.” 

 

“This is a pretty big thing, Kenny, and I feel like I should have been informed.” 

 

“Why? I don’t need to tell you anything.” 

 

“You tell me everything!” 

 

“Well, I didn’t want to tell you  _ this _ .” 

 

“Why not?” 

 

“Because you’d freak out like you are right now!” 

 

Cartman was getting closer. He could hear Kenny’s voice in the distance. 

 

“I’m not freaking out,” he said. “I just have a tampon up my asshole for no reason!” 

 

“What are you even  _ talking _ about?” 

 

“I’ve been through some shit today.” 

 

“Just get to the point, Cartman,” Kenny said. 

 

“Oh, I will in about two seconds,” Cartman promised, and ended the call. 

 

He crashed through the trees in front of him and stepped out onto the shore of Stark’s Pond.

 

“You motherfucker,” he shouted, pointing at Kenny. 

 

Kenny and Tammy turned around from the boulder they were standing by, their BB guns behind them. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Kenny asked.

 

“You ditched me!” Cartman stepped forward, turning his attention to Tammy. “You ditched me for that fucking whore!” 

 

“Don’t call her that,” Kenny said. 

 

“Yeah, don’t call me that,” Tammy snapped. “I’ll rip your face off.” 

 

“I’m so scared,” Cartman said. “You’re just some welfare cunt!” 

 

Tammy was about to launch herself at him, but Kenny held her back. 

 

“What are you doing here?” Kenny repeated.

 

“What does she have that I don’t?” Cartman asked. 

 

Tammy laughed. “What - are you gay for him or something?” 

 

Cartman’s face reddened. “No!” 

 

“Then why are you wearing  _ that _ ?” 

 

“I’ll take it off!” He started ripping the dress buttons apart.

 

“Please don’t - aw, jeeze.” Tammy covered her eyes with her hands. 

 

“Is this what you wanted, Kenny?” Cartman asked, revealing his half-naked body. 

 

“No, not at all,” Kenny said. “Jesus - put some clothes on.” 

 

“No!” Cartman dropped to his knees and spread his arms. “Here I am, dude! Naked and on my knees, with a tampon in my ass! What more do you want from me?” 

 

“I want you to leave,” Kenny said, pushing Tammy behind him. “Put your clothes on, and get the fuck out of here! I’m on a  _ date _ with my  _ girlfriend _ \- and you’re ruining it like I knew you would!” 

 

Cartman’s expression scrunched in rage. “I’m not ruining anything! You’re making me do this! You’re the one who ruined our friendship!” 

 

“Why? Because I didn’t go to your house  _ one time _ ?” 

 

“It’s the principle,” Cartman loudly insisted. 

 

“You can shove your principle up your ass with the tampon!”

 

Suddenly, Tammy shouldered in front of Kenny, one of the BB guns aimed at Cartman. 

 

“Whoa,” Kenny said, raising his hands. “Babe, c’mon, I’ll get him to go - “ 

 

“Leave us alone, or I’ll shoot you in the dick,” she told Cartman. 

 

“I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten you guys purity rings again,” Cartman said to Kenny. “She’s gonna brainwash you like all women. I’m here to help you!” 

 

“Dude, she’s not fucking playing around,” Kenny implored. “She’s really gonna shoot you in the dick if you don’t get out of here.” 

 

“How about I call the Jonas Brothers? They can get their washed-up, middle-aged cocks over here and gangbang her like she always wanted!” 

 

Kenny held his hand out to Tammy. “Give me the gun.” 

 

She passed it over to him. He lifted it up and squinted. “I’m giving you till the count of three,” he announced. 

 

“I’m not going  _ anywhere _ ,” Cartman said, digging his knees deeper into the ground.

 

“One.” 

 

“You won’t pull the trigger.” 

 

“Two.” 

 

“Don’t do it!” 

 

“Three…” 

 

Cartman gasped. “I just want my friend back!” 

 

Kenny blinked, lowering the gun. “What? I’m not gonna stop being your friend just because I’m dating a girl now.” 

 

Cartman frowned. “Huh? You aren’t?” 

 

“No, dude. Are you serious?” 

 

“Well…” Cartman stood up. “Why didn’t you come over last night?”

 

“It wasn’t because of Tammy.” Kenny glanced at her, then back at Cartman. “I can’t tell you.” 

 

“I didn’t come all the way over here just for - “ 

 

“I was masturbating, dude,” Kenny admitted. “I got lost in a Pornhub spiral.” 

 

“Ew,” Tammy said. 

 

“It’s a guy thing,” Kenny told her. 

 

“I can’t believe it,” Cartman said. “Stan was right.” 

 

“What’s that mean?” 

 

“Nothing,” Cartman said. “So, you really aren’t gonna forget about me?” 

 

“Of course not,” Kenny said. “What kind of guy do you think I am?” 

 

“You’ll do anything for a blowjob.” 

 

Kenny smirked. “That’s true, yeah. But I wouldn’t give up  _ you _ .” 

 

“That’s it - “ Tammy took the gun back from Kenny. “He already counted to three,” she told Cartman, and shot him in the dick. 

 

[SMASH CUT] 

 

Cartman woke up to the rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor. When he opened his eyes, he found himself in a hospital bed, wearing a hospital gown, hooked up to a bunch of machines. 

 

“Oh, hey.” 

 

He turned his head. Kenny unfolded himself from a chair at his bedside and leaned forward. 

 

“What the hell happened?” Cartman croaked. 

 

“Tammy shot you in the dick. I told you she would.” 

 

“I remember  _ that _ . What happened after?” 

 

“You totally busted a nut - not in the good way - and blacked out,” Kenny recalled. “It was recess by that time, and all the kids at school heard the shot. Kyle figured you’d found me, so him and Stan ran over and called 911.” 

 

“Oh.” Cartman looked down at his pelvis. He was covered in blankets and couldn’t really feel anything below the waist. “Is my dick okay?” 

 

“It’s fine,” Kenny said. “But you went into surgery. You have a prosthetic testicle now. And you’re probably most definitely infertile.” 

 

“I have a robot ball? Can I shoot lasers out of my dick?”

 

“It’s just plastic or something,” Kenny said. “They wouldn't let me see it. I tried following you into the operating room.” He crossed his arms. “With all the times I’m in here, I should get a special pass or something.” 

 

“Huh.” Cartman reached down to scratch at his scrotum through the blanket. 

 

But Kenny slapped his hand. “Don’t do that. Your ballsac is gonna fall apart.”  

 

Cartman let his hand drop. “Is Tammy in trouble?” 

 

“She’s gonna be on juvenile probation, but we played it off as a mistake so she won’t be doing time.” 

 

“Does this mean you’re breaking up with her?” Cartman asked hopefully. 

 

“No, she’s a total badass. And you kinda deserved it.” 

 

“I guess so,” Cartman sighed. 

 

“Hey, check this out,” Kenny said, and bent down to lift a box onto the bed. “Your mom brought your Xbox 360 so we could play Tiger Woods PGA Tour.” 

 

Cartman smiled. “Awesome.” 

 

Kenny got out of his chair and hooked the game system up to the hospital TV, then climbed into the bed with Cartman. 

 

“Scoot over.” 

 

Cartman moved and Kenny handed him a controller. They booted up the game, and Cartman finally got what he wanted. 

 

It was so worth it. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt conflict. had a lot of fun with this one. only one more prompt to go, then i'm back to the drawing board. 
> 
> the title is a play on the phrase "a shot in the dark" - "an attempt to guess something when you have no information or knowledge about the subject and therefore cannot possibly know what the answer is." i just want to point that out because i think it's hilarious and i'm proud of myself, lol. 
> 
> please leave a comment!


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